In a black dorm room lived a college student. The only problem was he had a ton of trouble thinking of what he was going to say in his essays. As he sits there, there are a billon pieces of paper crumpled all over the floor as he looks at his laptop. The reason why he is looking at his laptop is because he is looking for a train ticket to see his parents for spring break then go to Miami beach. But there is one problem the only thing standing in his way is a brick the brick isn’t any old brick this brick is keeping his door from opening he shouts, screams, and bangs but nobody can hear him.
When he is banging on the door he gets a good idea in his head. What he is going to do is put his i-pod on his i-pod dock and put the volume on high and turn on the most annoying song ever. This works and the cops came and broke him out of his dorm room. Since he is out his only problem now is getting to the train station on time. Finally he gets to the train station with 1 minute to spare.
On the train ride he is listening to his i-pod playing on his laptop. When he gets to his parents he stays there for only one night. When that one night is over he is on his way to Miami. He steps off of the train and says wow this is a nice place and he can’t wait for the upcoming days in Miami but the only problem is that he can only stay for 2 nights because he has a band concert.
Today is his last day at the beach then he has a 13 hour train ride home. On his way home he sees one of his friends and says hi. Then he sits back down and waits, and waits, and waits. When he gets to his band concert he saw his parents sitting there right in the front row. After words he talks to his mom and dad to ask why did you come here. They say because we only got to see you for one day and one day isn’t enough. They spend the rest of the day together like a happy family.
Your story read like a Hemingway story: not many details but constanct movement. I actually liked the beginning more than the end; he was searching for something, but then he ended up with his family on the beach? Did I miss something?
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